BLURB
Welcome to E.V.I.L! (Every Villain is Legendary.)
Mission Guidelines:
- Be evil. (Except, y’know, when someone’s in trouble, or might need a rescue out of an open grave, things like that.)
- Adopt new members. (At least, Fenric would love to keep the sexy bard, but would Lirion even want to join them?)
- Retrieve Fenric’s mother’s stolen treasures (and beat up the heroes who stole them if possible)
- Rescue Lirion’s sister and wait, what do you mean breaking up a sex ring and helping a village from being overrun by finfolk LOWERED our villain rankings overnight?
Future Goals: climb the villain rankings, find a lair, get revenge, and trash talk The Box
Welcome and try not to die (but if you do our necromancer will raise you).
This book contains: questionable baking practices, Tub Time™, and emotional support pecs.
Tags:
LitRPG, gay romance, shapeshifting, high fantasy, possessed clubs, accidental poisonings, chosen family, heroes vs. villains, band of brothers, a shapeshifting rogue, an elf necromancer, a loquacious barbarian, a warlock with a talking stick, a half-merman pirate, a poisonous Puppy, quest of vengeance, Fenric’s not sure how he became the mother hen of the group, Maxie doesn’t need more seduction lessons, Lirion begs to differ, Tub Time is sacred, incompetence can be sexy, apparently, High Seas Hijinks, another example of a bard f*cking his way in AND out of trouble, if villain bad, why hot?, calling all passengers: Hop on board, the shenanigan ship is about to sail! Skelebabies
Trigger Warnings: sex ring (that they break up)
EXCERPT
“The only problem is that no one knows how things are ranked. The ministry has always kept that a tight secret,” Malfas joined in. “No one knows if they view kidnapping a family of five as more or less evil than killing a priest of say, Sabu.”
“Or is kidnapping a family of five farmers worse than kidnapping a family of three nobles? No one knows!” Rain whined.
Malfas nodded. “These are the kinds of things we need to know if we’re going to climb the rankings.”
Fenric scoffed. “Or even get on the list.”
“E.V.I.L. isn’t currently on the list? How big is the list?” Maxie asked as he turned to pour the eggs onto the hot skillet.
“Twenty spots each. Top twenty heroes and top twenty villains,” Rain answered.
“After all the information is gathered, the minister meets with his twenty chancellors,” Fenric continued to keep Rain from heading down the path of listing all the reason why those twenty villains didn’t deserve to be on the list at all. “They compare the new information with the last released rankings and discuss the results. Following a month of debate, the Ministry of Hero and Villain Affairs releases both lists.”
“But it’s all bullshit!” Rain roared, pounding on the table some more. “Everyone knows that both sides are bribing the hell out of the minister and his fucking flunkies so they get listed higher than they deserve. Brickle the Beast keeps paying his way into the number nineteen slot on the villains, and I wouldn’t let that nose-picking shit-stealer lick my boots. He’s an idiot. He’s sank more ships than I’ve even owned.”
“And the heroes aren’t any better.” Malfas grumbled as he watched Maxie move the eggs around in the pan with a spatula.
Sadly, despite knowing that the food was probably poisoned, Fenric couldn’t deny a delicious aroma was starting to drift from the kitchen. Was that part of the poison at work? Did Maxie’s magic actually try to entice you into eating his food? That was fucking sinister.
“I’ve heard plenty of people state that at least seventeen of the twenty spots on the heroes’ list are bought and paid for with bribes,” Malfas continued.
“More like all twenty,” Rain grumbled.
“But why are the lists so important,” Maxie inquired. He crossed to one of the cabinets and pulled down a chipped wooden plate. “It doesn’t seem like something that people would care enough about to bribe their way onto it. Especially the villains. You’re all so badbums and amazing.”
Fenric winced. May the gods fucking forgive him, but someone needed to teach Maxie how to properly swear. “That’s badass, you mean,” he corrected. “Badass.”
Maxie smiled brilliantly at him. “Yes, badass.”
Rain snickered and Fenric kicked the pirate under the table, causing him to howl.
“The heroes care about the list because they receive a very healthy stipend from the government for appearing on the list. Higher on the list they are, the more they receive,” Malfas explained.
“But isn’t that to help save on military and public service fees. The main government and small local governments don’t need to keep large watches and guards because of the heroes,” Maxie replied. He picked up the spatula and started scooping fluffy scrambled eggs onto the plate.
“That would be true if the heroes weren’t as corrupt as hell and more dangerous than most villains,” Rain countered.
Maxie wilted. “Oh.” He placed the plate on the counter near the stove. Even from where Fenric sat at the table, he could see that those were the damn fluffiest scrambled eggs he’d seen in his life. He was tempted to give them a taste even though he knew they had to be deadly.
“Villains obviously don’t get a government paycheck for being evil. However, being on the list clears away headaches sometimes and opens up opportunities,” Fenric continued, trying to ignore the sudden rumbling of his stomach.
Maxie blinked wide eyes. “I beg your pardon?”
“Little peon, weak villains will steer clear of you if you’re on the list,” Rain said.
“And opportunities arise when you have a big scheme but can’t do it all yourself. This means you have to hire in more help—like an experienced pirate with a ship or a necromancer,” Malfas explained. He pinched a fluffy chunk of egg between two fingers and held it up to the sunlight pouring through one of the windows, inspecting it.
“Or a powerful warlock and a rogue thief good at sneaking,” Maxie continued.
“Exactly! If you’re on the list, you’ve proven yourself as a badass and can command a higher cut of the booty at the end of the job.”
And without a thought in his fucking head, Malfas popped that egg into his mouth and chewed happily, looking so proud of himself for giving Maxie such valuable and important information.
“Malfas!” Fenric shouted while Maxie stared in horror.
“What?” The warlock was still clueless.
Rain fell out of his chair laughing. The damn pirate rolled on the floor, knocking into chairs, cackling like a lunatic, while the poor warlock continued to look on utterly confused. But the realization hit him finally, and all the color drained from his face.
“What did I do?” he gasped.
“Is there a chance it wasn’t poisoned?” Maxie asked in a small voice.
“Nope. It was poisoned.” His voice was growing tighter as his hands lifted to clutch his stomach. He flashed Maxie a weak smile as he started to curl his body slowly toward the floor. “The eggs were, ungh, delicious though. Best I’ve ever eaten.”
Fenric scoffed. “Probably the last too.”
“I think I’ll go find Hapi,” Maxie offered, already starting to run for the stairs.
“And tell him to bring some skelebabies. I’m not dragging his corpse into the yard,” Fenric yelled after him.
Author Bio:
AJ Sherwood believes in happily ever afters, magic, dragons, good men, and dark chocolate. She often dreams at night of delectable men doing sexy things with each other. In between writing multiple books (often at the same time) she pets her cats, plays with her dogs, and attempts insane things like aerial yoga.
She currently resides in Michigan with aforementioned dogs and cats. Being in snow country gives her the excuse to stay inside and watch bl dramas, which suit her perfectly.
You can find AJ in all the places here: https://mailchi.mp/83b827b73069/aj-sherwood
Jocelynn Drake loves a good story, whether she is reading it or writing one of her own. Over the years, her stories have allowed her to explore space, talk to dragons, dodge bullets with assassins, hang with vampires, and fall in love again and again.
This former Kentucky girl has moved up, down, and across the U.S. with her husband. Recently, they’ve settled near the Rockies.
When she is not hammering away at her keyboard or curled up with a book, she can be found walking her dog Ace, or playing video games. She loves Bruce Wayne, Ezio Auditore, travel, tattoos, explosions, and fast cars.
You can find Jocelynn in all the places here: https://linktr.ee/jocelynndrake
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