HELPLESSLY HOPING
by Douglas Kent
Date of Publication: May 8th 2020
Cover Artist: Shawn Burkett
Genre: Memoir
ISBN: 979-8641132112 (Paperback)
ASIN: B088CQZSD8 (Kindle)
Word Count: 114,000
Tagline: When Love is All You Have Left
BLURB
High school sweethearts Mara and Douglas are young and in love, but they’re about to discover that the nightmares of the past have a way of haunting us in the present. Together they will face the demons of Mara’s childhood…but will either of them get out alive?
A true and hauntingly candid look into the tragedy of sexual abuse and mental illness, and the struggle to stay afloat when everything seems hopeless.
Excerpt:
One night we were lying in bed watching television.
As a general rule at this stage, I would fall asleep hours before Mara would.
She’d stay up until 2am or later watching television, unable to sleep, and
instead would sleep until 10am or later in the morning, waking up only for a
moment to take the handful of pills I’d give her before leaving for work.
Mara had been strangely quiet all evening, neither
laughing at the TV nor complaining of any discomfort. I rolled over, gave her a
kiss goodnight, and started to settle in to fall asleep. At that point, Mara
reached back and opened her own bedside drawer, pulling out the Bowie knife and
showing it to me.
“Tonight, when you are sleeping,” she said in an
emotionless monotone, “I am going to stab you to death.”
“Okay,” I replied calmly. “And why would you want to
do that? Did I do something wrong?”
“No, but I’m tired of living. And if I kill you, I
won’t have a reason to live anymore. So I will be free to kill myself. And that’s
what I am going to do. I’m sorry, but I
just can’t take it anymore. And I don’t want to kill myself and leave you
behind to deal with the guilt and the mess.”
I could actually see the warped logic of what she
was telling me. But I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. Life had been
dragging us both down, and for a long time I’d had no hope of things getting
any better. At any rate, I was tired too, physically, mentally, and
emotionally. And I felt completely helpless in my life. I didn’t see how anything
would ever really get better. Sure, there would be better days and worse days,
but the trend was set: downwards.
I rolled over on my side and faced away from Mara. I
didn’t want to look at her. I just put my head down on the pillow, said “I love
you,” and closed my eyes. Death has always been a huge fear for me; trying to
fathom the concept of nonexistence makes me shake all over, and when that
happens, I have to snap out of that quickly. I knew Mara was serious, and I
felt fairly certain she would follow through with her plan. But in my state of
misery, it didn’t matter. The fear of death, and the thought of that knife
plunging in and out of my body, barely moved the needle. I simply didn’t care
any longer. In only a few minutes I was asleep.
Author Info
Born in Danbury, CT, Douglas Kent now makes his home in the Dallas, TX area with his two black cats. While he still dabbles in fiction and satire, his published works have focused on personal experiences in the form of memoirs.
He is also an avid supporter of independent film and music, and a lifelong animal lover.
The Book Junkie Reads . . . Interview with Douglas Kent . . .
How would you describe you style of writing to someone that has never read your work?
I guess I have different writing styles when I move from fiction to non-fiction. I’m not that great at describing my own style, but I think the simplest and most accurate description of my memoir style was given by someone reviewing my first book. He said: “When you read Doug’s book, it is as if he is sitting in the room with you, telling you the story face-to-face.” Conversationally I’m a bit of a storyteller, so it makes sense that I’d communicate the same way in my personal memoirs.
Do you feel that writing is an ingrained process or just something that flows naturally for you?
For me, the process involves rewrites and edits. Taking my work and trying to shape is into the best possible form. But the initial writing just flows naturally. I try to find that mind space that allows me to lose myself in what I’m writing about, to actually be there in the moment. That’s also important when you’re overly critical of yourself, the way I am. If I am detached from what I’m writing, the negative part of my brain begins to criticize and edit the sentence I’ve just completed. If I fall into that pattern, I can’t compose anything…I just want to delete each sentence and rewrite it, again and again.
What mindset or routine do you feel the need to set when preparing to write (in general whether you are working on a project or just free writing)?
I think Joyce Carol Oates said “the biggest enemy of the writer is distraction.” And I believe that’s true. I need to think about what I want to write and have a general idea in my mind. But I try not to be too specific, or it constrains the creative process. I need to know what direction I’m heading, and then relax my brain and let the words flow. Sometimes I like to have some music playing in the background, but it needs to be music of certain styles, and music I am very familiar with. In an odd way, the music tends to distract the negative part of my brain, allowing the creative sections to operate uninterrupted.
Can you share your next creative project(s)? If yes, can you give a few details?
I’ve been promising my siblings for decades that I will write the story of our childhood. The tentative title has always been The Screaming Adventures of the Whining Kent Pigs, but I imagine if and when I actually put the stories to paper, I will change the title to something less drastic. I have pages of notes, so it’s entirely possible that’s the next project I complete. It will certainly be the next memoir I write.
However, I have just started work on a novel, a suspense work dealing with a string of murders. And there are a few screenplays I’m toying with. I am simply waiting for my creative side to choose what project to focus on.
What are some of your writing/publishing goals for this year?
I haven’t set any firm goals, other than working to spread the word about Helplessly Hoping. But I would like to get at least 100 pages behind me on the next project, whatever that turns out to be.
Have you ever felt that there was something inside of you that you couldn't control? If so what? If no what spurs you to reach for the unexperienced?
I think that’s something mot everyone feels at one time or another. It’s a question of whether they fight that feeling, or accept it and go with the flow.
If you could have dinner/dinner party with 7 fictional characters, who would they be?
Hmmm. I suppose it would be Howard Campbell from Mother Night, Brin Ohmsford from the Wishsong of Shannara, Francine Peters from Strangers in Paradise, Enid from Ghost World, Ben Richards from the Bachman novel The Running Man, Sherlock Holmes, and Johnny Truant from HOUSE of Leaves.
If you could spend one-week with 5 fictional characters, who would they be and where would you spend that time?
I guess a week is best spent at a cabin in the woods, with access to a secluded lake. Now, let’s see, a whole week together? How about John (the narrator) from Cat’s Cradle, Ana Pascal from Stranger Than Fiction, Clementine Kruczynski from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Selene from Underworld, and Duncan Idaho from Dune.
Where would you spend one full year, if you could go ANYWhere, money is not a concern? What would you do with this time?
I think I’d choose to spend a year in Baddeck, Nova Scotia. I have many ancestors who lived in that area (Cape Breton), and it would be a real wonder to experience all four seasons in such a beautiful northern climate. I’d like to stay in a log cabin, stating warm in the dark cold nights by snuggling by a wood-burning stove. I’d spend my time hiking, catching up on my reading, watching every sunset and sunrise, tasting the local delicacies, and hopefully finding inspiration to write things I’ve never imaged before.
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